Here in Houston, we just had another Saturday morning of free-writing and playing rounds of Exquisite Corpse. If you don't know what I'm talking about, see former postings on this blog with nonsensical titles. If you want to be in touch about future such Saturdays (we're doing them quarterly), I suppose the best way is to follow my Facebook author page. We haven't set a date yet, but we're hoping for early January for the next one.
Thanks, as always, for my lovely and talented assistant, Margo Stutts Toombs, who is really the one who makes these events happen. I just show up, emcee, and act a fool.
Without further ado: our exquisite corpses for October 22, 2016:
The self-absorbed desk floated the rotting net.
The juicy frog devours the high mirage.
The forgetful professor gripes a fine train. (Herein we have a good example of a non-transitive verb and I used it as a teaching moment. One does not gripe anything, one just gripes. It will take a preposition, "at" for example, but it needs that help to make the sentence work. We did suggest either grips or gropes as alternatives.)
The tiger-striped sofa wrapped the chilling jalopy.
The raucous toilet trips an open horn.
The salty cup shouts a rigid egg.
An accidental alien shakes the silver victim.
A rotting goat eats an opulent problem. (There was some rotting going on today, you see.)
A slinky acrobat stomps a pernicious baton.
A curious boat is inspired by a shimmering kiss. (The person who wrote "is inspired by" said she was trying to play with the form. I sternly put my foot down and informed her that we don't do that here. There are serious rules to this serious game. As if I could control anything.)
A meticulous goose kissed the creamy window. (Is it getting warm in here or is it just me?)
The elegant buttercream dreams the fecund fence. (Whatever else, this one has nice sounds.)
An orange sheep bites the divine gatekeeper. (When a black sheep dresses up for Halloween . . . )
The phosphorescent pumpkin twirls an unfamiliar crown.
The adventurous dancer sodomizes the creepy moon. (I'm just reporting here.)
A lavender sandwich munches the fair librarian.
The peculiar grasshopper shines an active vision.
A meaty stalker pounced a silly jumper.
The gritty rhino munches the bitchy spider.
An animalic zebra attacked the colorful zombie. (Yes, animalic is a word, I just looked it up. It seems a shame the noun offered was, in fact, an animal.)
The common writer spooned a perfect parasol.
A malicious skyscraper writes a creepy carcass. (We like creepy things, too.)
The whimpering blackboard counts an appalling question.
Its annoying pants siezes the ugly pizza. (Another attempt at innovation on the rules. Okay, so it works. Whatevs. Cats. I'm herding cats here.)
An angry scientist blocked the starry biergarten.
A cranky footstool killed a flimsy pineapple.
The mellifluous egg punches a deviled bee.
The artsy crane mashed the red chair.
The bigly boots pummels the heartless door. (Sigh. I get it, it's in the news and whatnot and it may even be a word, but it's, pay attention, an adverb. Okay? There are no adverbs here. So you've had your fun, ha ha! Now, when I say "adjective," that's what I mean. Thank you.)
An adversarial trunk stabs the messy grocery.
The moist crown gobbles the hearty Moscow. (Whoa. I'd just cooled down from that creamy window!)
A tricky wallboard sips a fluffy chariot.
The sloppy rug leapt a tethered mouse. (Intransitive alert!) (Maybe it works, I'm getting tired of typing, but it seems to me that one jumps a direct object, leap and it's forms require a prepositional phrase as a modifier---on, over, up . . . )
An obnoxious aardvark headbutts the fuzzy zoo.
The favorite bitch carried the violet lie. (This one had something else besides bitch first, but not even the person who wrote it could tell what it was. I can't even imagine what would happen if we had alcohol at these events.)
The fragile tablecloth drives the nasty janitor.
Saturday, October 22, 2016
Saturday, October 15, 2016
Substandard Tattoo Artist Foresees Steady Work With Trump Presidency
HOUSTON----The small storefront leased to Feldman Hopps might be described as claustrophobic, but it is also remarkably organized and sterile, as befits the work space of a tattoo artist. It's a slow day for the tattooist, in fact it's been a slow week, and frankly, career for the young Hopps who is barely hanging onto his lease.
It turns out, he's not very good at his job and word has gotten around.
"Yeah, the last client, that didn't go very well," Hopps admitted. "This guy wanted a big heart on his back, with his and his wife's name and the date they married in the middle of it. It was really the sort of thing that should have paid well and been fairly easy, right?" He shakes his head. "When his wife came to pick him up she wanted to see it so he showed it to her. She kind of scowled and said, 'Why did you get a tattoo of Australia on your back?'"
Hopps pulled up a photo of the job on his laptop. The wife's description wasn't entirely accurate but it was definitely hard to recognize as a heart.
Shaking his head, Hopps continued, "I'm really not very good with representational art," he said and shrugged but then pointed to the wording. "But check it out, the writing is really clear. Even they admitted everything was spelled right and the letters and numbers very plain and readable."
Which gets to the point of our visit to this tiny tattoo shop. Hopps is a supporter of presidential candidate Donal Trump.
"Yeah, he's kind of a creep, but you know, so is every politician," he says. "I do kind of like his idea of identifying immigrants and other specific, you know, subgroups. I think tattoos is a great way to do it. I've even written an email to him suggesting it."
Hopps pulled up an auto-reply email from the Trump campaign with instructions for how to make a donation. "Yeah, he didn't really get back to me in detail about my idea," Hopps admitted, "but you know, he's busy with his plans for the economy and Syria and whatnot. I've planted the seed."
Hopps was realistic about what he's recommending. He realizes that he's not likely to get rich being a tattoo artist for a Trump administration. "I get it," he said. "Government jobs don't pay as well as the private sector but you know? The bennies are good and I doubt I'd ever have to do a heart again. The pressure of running my own shop would be lifted and I bet it'll even be banker's hours. No evenings and weekends!"
Confronted with the latest polls that show opponent Hillary Clinton in a comfortable lead, Hopps shrugged. "I guess she'll be okay, you know? I just don't think she's going to be needing any staff tattooists. When it comes down to it, I have to go with the guy who is more likely to create jobs for people like me."
Not one to put all his eggs in one basket, Hopps has already made moves to keep his shop afloat.
"Oh yeah, I've already got ads on Craigslist," he said. "You know, there are tattoo artists who do amazing pictures on flesh, mountain ranges and sunsets and all that, but they can't spell to save their lives. I've put the word out that I'm here to put that finishing touch on their clients. Also, there's money to be made on grieving folks. Sometimes, like, a baby dies or something and the mom wants the kid's name tattooed on her arm or wherever. I've put out ads for that market, too, saying that I'd give them a clear, no frills remembrance of their loss right on their body."
He continued, "It's not my dream to always have to hustle like that, but having a businessman like Donald Trump running for president sort of juiced my entrepreneurial spirit, I guess. I like to think that even if he loses, here's one supporter he can be proud of."
In conclusion Hopps said, "I'm just trying to use my God-given gifts, you know? Not everyone can spell and penmanship is a dying art. I have them both and I know how to use tattoo equipment. All that should add up to to a career, right? If not with a federal position, then I just have to believe in myself enough to make this whole thing work."
___________________________________________
Okay, this is darker than I usually care to go in my writing, but I'm in such a dark frame of mind with this election cycle. Make of it what you will. And please don't vote for Donald Trump.
It turns out, he's not very good at his job and word has gotten around.
"Yeah, the last client, that didn't go very well," Hopps admitted. "This guy wanted a big heart on his back, with his and his wife's name and the date they married in the middle of it. It was really the sort of thing that should have paid well and been fairly easy, right?" He shakes his head. "When his wife came to pick him up she wanted to see it so he showed it to her. She kind of scowled and said, 'Why did you get a tattoo of Australia on your back?'"
Hopps pulled up a photo of the job on his laptop. The wife's description wasn't entirely accurate but it was definitely hard to recognize as a heart.
Shaking his head, Hopps continued, "I'm really not very good with representational art," he said and shrugged but then pointed to the wording. "But check it out, the writing is really clear. Even they admitted everything was spelled right and the letters and numbers very plain and readable."
Which gets to the point of our visit to this tiny tattoo shop. Hopps is a supporter of presidential candidate Donal Trump.
"Yeah, he's kind of a creep, but you know, so is every politician," he says. "I do kind of like his idea of identifying immigrants and other specific, you know, subgroups. I think tattoos is a great way to do it. I've even written an email to him suggesting it."
Hopps pulled up an auto-reply email from the Trump campaign with instructions for how to make a donation. "Yeah, he didn't really get back to me in detail about my idea," Hopps admitted, "but you know, he's busy with his plans for the economy and Syria and whatnot. I've planted the seed."
Hopps was realistic about what he's recommending. He realizes that he's not likely to get rich being a tattoo artist for a Trump administration. "I get it," he said. "Government jobs don't pay as well as the private sector but you know? The bennies are good and I doubt I'd ever have to do a heart again. The pressure of running my own shop would be lifted and I bet it'll even be banker's hours. No evenings and weekends!"
Confronted with the latest polls that show opponent Hillary Clinton in a comfortable lead, Hopps shrugged. "I guess she'll be okay, you know? I just don't think she's going to be needing any staff tattooists. When it comes down to it, I have to go with the guy who is more likely to create jobs for people like me."
Not one to put all his eggs in one basket, Hopps has already made moves to keep his shop afloat.
"Oh yeah, I've already got ads on Craigslist," he said. "You know, there are tattoo artists who do amazing pictures on flesh, mountain ranges and sunsets and all that, but they can't spell to save their lives. I've put the word out that I'm here to put that finishing touch on their clients. Also, there's money to be made on grieving folks. Sometimes, like, a baby dies or something and the mom wants the kid's name tattooed on her arm or wherever. I've put out ads for that market, too, saying that I'd give them a clear, no frills remembrance of their loss right on their body."
He continued, "It's not my dream to always have to hustle like that, but having a businessman like Donald Trump running for president sort of juiced my entrepreneurial spirit, I guess. I like to think that even if he loses, here's one supporter he can be proud of."
In conclusion Hopps said, "I'm just trying to use my God-given gifts, you know? Not everyone can spell and penmanship is a dying art. I have them both and I know how to use tattoo equipment. All that should add up to to a career, right? If not with a federal position, then I just have to believe in myself enough to make this whole thing work."
___________________________________________
Okay, this is darker than I usually care to go in my writing, but I'm in such a dark frame of mind with this election cycle. Make of it what you will. And please don't vote for Donald Trump.
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